136
Today was my worst day in weeks. But that's okay. I will have those days and I will get through them. Even if I have to start back at square one and write myself happy.
First. Faith. I still gotta work on it. If I love it, I have to let it be free, and if it is meant to be, it'll come back to me.
I don't expect it to. I mean okay maybe I do. Or maybe I just hope and pray it will. But I at least need to tell myself I don't expect it.
He doesn't know what he wants. That is not personal. He simply is going through a phase where he wants to be free to explore his options. Every guy goes through it. I just had the misfortune of being caught in the middle of it. I wish we had met later, I really do. But everything happens for a reason exactly when it is meant to.
I need to make myself happy first. And I feel lost because I have no one to live for. I am co dependent in that sense. What makes me happiest is making others happy.
But how can I do that when I can't make myself happy?
What makes me happiest is being with people.
But I also enjoy cooking and craft making.
Richard is going through a phase. And he will never love me, no one will, if I don't love myself first. I have made blunders and I have faults, but do I accept myself? I am learning to. Like last night, drunk, probably wasn't the smartest but hey, now I know not to drink again. Especially around him. I simply learned another lesson. Stay away from alcohol for now. That was a step backwards.
Maybe one day he will realize what he lost. Maybe not. And if not, that means a guy not obsessed with drinking and sports is out there for me.
Yes I will always love him and always find him attractive and funny beyond belief, but I have to let go.
Seeing him again is making me hold on but that's not good.
Only in moving on will anything be resolved.
So starting back at square one. I know I am amazing. There is no doubt about that. I am. I am loving and caring and fun but grounded and have self respect. I am intelligent and kind and always willing to learn and grow.
There are not many girls like me, especially at LMU. Sure they might be pretty and fun, but are they as driven to serve or as smart? Probably not. And if Richard wants the former, go for it. I deserve the latter.
I am amazing. He doesn't see that. And it's not personal. It is his loss.
Only when I believe that will my fate change for the better.
http://obrien-summerofchange.blogspot.com/2012/07/136-today-was-my-worst-day-in-weeks.html
